Beer Drinking Vandals Break Barkley’s Heart

by Jack White on February 28, 2013

The following post is rated PG due to cartoon violence, a talking dog, rude language, and a drug reference. Proceed with caution.

Barkley’s a simple fellow, being a dog and all, and mostly quiet, except for periodic outbursts of insane barking. He likes to go walking with me over at Warfield and peeing everywhere. He does the peeing, I just walk.

But today something terrible happened. You see right now, both of us notice something is amiss in the distance.

Where's the bench?

As we get closer, it becomes more clear.

Why is the bench still missing?

Finally Barkley can’t take it anymore. He says to me, “Jack, where’s the picnic bench?”

I say, “Well, it should be right here.”

Where's the stinking bench.

“But, Jack,” he says. “It’s not. How am I going to pee on the picnic bench if it’s not here to pee on?”

Which is a good question of the philosophical sort I often pose to myself late at night when having trouble getting to sleep.

Well, it doesn’t take a lot of detective work, at least for a moderately aware human, to unravel the mystery.

Beer in the water

There’s the beer in the water, you see. And there’s the other beer, and the crushed pack of Newports, and what appears to be a four-foot long discarded bong.

Another beer in the water

And of course, there’s this, which is what I would call incontrovertible evidence.

We found the picnic bench.

Barkley says, “Jack, the picnic table’s in the water.”

I say, “I see that, Barkley.”

Yep, it's in the water.

Barkley says, “How can that be?”

I say, “How can it not be?”

Barkley says, “Huh?”

Bench and bag in the water

I say, “Someone put it there, Barkley.”

Barkley says, “Who, Jack? Who would do such a terrible thing to a picnic bench?”

I say, “Assholes, Barkley. Probably more than one of ‘em.”

Barkley says, “Humans suck, Jack. No offense.”

“No offense taken, my friend.”

He’s been depressed ever since.

Depressed Barkley

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Cpl. Dave Lewis March 1, 2013 at 4:15 pm

Wish I could explain it, Barks. But I can’t.

Cpl. Dave Lewis March 2, 2013 at 9:06 am

Barkley,
Best I can do. Beer cans are all cleaned up, the suspected bong (wrapping for one of the new trees, as it turns out) recovered and disposed of. And with a lot of assistance from the police department’s new AWD SUV cruiser and a tow cable, the pic-a-nic table is back up where you can pee on it without getting your feet wet. Or Jack can.
I can’t change A-hole’s behavior, but I hope this helps.
P.S., Dad was right, there was more than one of them. That joker is HEAVY !

Andrea White March 2, 2013 at 9:46 am

Cpl. Lewis,
Thank you! Barkley will be so happy to see it back on land!
Signed,
Barkley’s “mom”

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